“Jesus Sought Me”

MIdweek Lent 1

February 21, 2024

Luke 5:1-11

Many of you have heard my call story before. I went to a Lutheran college and majored in Psychology. Since we had to take so many religion classes as general ed, I decided to add Religion as a major. At that time, my mom said, “Oh, you’re going to be a pastor.” And I vehemently said, “No, thank you.”

After college, I went through a period of doubt and questions. How do we know God exists? What would I believe had I not been born into a Lutheran Christian family? Is my family the only reason I am Christian? What about other religions? Does everyone else go to hell? What kind of God does that? It was in the midst of those questions that I met a guy who worked for Campus Crusade for Christ. He had an answer to every question.

With him, I studied apologetics. The Bible became the literal and infallible word of God. If it said something, then that was it. I read fundamentalist theologians and grew in my certainty of God. But not in my faith in this God of certainty. Because I couldn’t shake my own foundations—baptism as an act of God’s grace rather than human assent. My roommate and I had lengthy conversations about theology. She decided to go to seminary to become a pastor. I decided to investigate religious studies—but definitely not be a pastor.

We visited seminaries. I went to a retreat for potential deacons. I thought I wanted to go into campus ministry—kind of like the guy that had influenced me so much. When I visited Wartburg, I sat in on a senior theology class and argued with everyone there. They were so liberal and wishy-washy—and wrong. The professor insisted I should attend Wartburg. I wasn’t so sure their theology was solid. I had a fundamentalist chip on my shoulder I couldn’t lose.

I talked to my pastor about seminary and call. I wanted all the classes—all four years of an MDiv degree. I just didn’t want to be a pastor. He finally asked me why. I recalled the way my home congregation treated pastors. I told him, “I’m afraid of the people.” I can still remember sitting in his office when he said, “That’s not a good enough reason.”

By the way, when I told my mom I was going to seminary to be a pastor, I could hear her doing cartwheels on the other end of the phone. I hate being proven wrong.

I went to Wartburg Seminary. I argued and struggled and wrestled with God. My internship here at Our Saviour’s somehow flipped my theology on its head so that when I returned to school for my final year, I was all but unrecognizable. Rather than certainty, I found myself embracing mystery. And grace. All of this in preparation for where we are today.

I had been afraid. I was sure I didn’t have it in me to lead. My theology had been constricting. I operated in a realm of scarcity—not enough of me or anything else. God met me there, in that muck and mire. God didn’t expect me to have it all together in order to follow God’s call. Still doesn’t. God still inspires, changes, moves, and draws me into new ways of being.

I understand Simon’s predicament. He had spent the whole night failing at the one thing he knew how to do. And then this guy comes along. He clearly doesn’t know fishing. He’s a teacher. All he wants is to use the boat to gain space to lecture more effectively. And then, he tells the professional fisherman how to do his job. The fisherman who caught absolutely nothing.

I can hear the sarcasm in Simon’s voice. “Oh, sure. We spent all night at this, but since YOU said so, we’ll try again.” And the abundance that occurs is overwhelming. Literally. It nearly sinks the boats. And Simon’s response is natural. “Go away from me. I’m not worthy to be in your presence. I’m a mess. I’m a failure. I’m a sinner.”

And it’s in that point—when he is completely ill prepared to be anything more—that Jesus tells him he’s going into ministry. Luke tells us that once they got ashore, Peter and the others left everything to join Jesus. But I imagine a bit of negotiating on the way to shore. “Jesus, I can’t even do what I was trained to do. I’m not ready to be your disciple. No one will take me seriously. Who wants to listen to a fisherman? I’m afraid of the people.”

And, as the boat comes to the beach, Jesus turns to Peter and says, “That’s not a good enough reason.” And the rest is history.

Fear drives so much of what we do or don’t do. Fear of not being enough. Fear of failing. Fear of what others will think. Fear of taking a risk. But God doesn’t wait for us to gain courage. God doesn’t wait for us to get our stuff together and figure things out. God doesn’t wait until we have perfected our work or obtained all the answers. God seeks us out. God meets us in our failures and fears. And God says, “All the things that are keeping you from following me…they aren’t a good enough reason. It’s time. Off we go.”

Pastor Tobi White

Our Saviour’s Lutheran Church

Lincoln, NE